learning to feel
learning to accept I can feel
in order to not feel, to disassociate from feeling, I have learnt how to vanish
like when you submerge your body in a warm bath,
first your knees like small hills go out of sight
then the round of your stomach, chest
slowly your ears are submerged in warm silence and the world around you becomes a distant murmur
far off footsteps, like you’re floating belly up in the middle of the ocean
both inside and outside of yourself
but I am the thing
I am not the water
how do I become the water?
how do you practice feeling fully without feeling too much,
accept feeling fully…
have you been able to move your body recently?
what does it feel like?
if you close your eyes can you feel each muscle move?
feel your breath race through your body kissing each muscle
waking them up
I mimic the ocean with each breath,
I see the ocean
who told me it was not ok to feel this much? So I stop feeling as it reaches my neck
and before I choke I swallow the feeling whole
sat in my stomach and grew
sometimes bigger, sometimes deeper
swallowing air doesn’t make you feel lighter
swallowing your own air is like eating ghosts
let it pass through,
let it vibrate
reverberate, ripple, reach out
you can reach out.
an emission of harmonic sounds
learning how to breathe I will learn how to feel
harmony in breath and feeling
how do you feel?
how do you actually do it?
how do you feel from the soles of your feet right up to the crown of your skull and then out again
out into your ancestral pathway
learn to breathe
through your whole body
how does time feel?
how does it stretch?
what does sunlight bring and how do I honour it?
what am I growing?
what am I shedding?
tuning into seasonal growth
in the same way the leaves are falling
what am I leaving behind that does not serve me now
and will not serve me
hear the outside world
the outside world
let things move through and off me with breath
sharing each others breath
protecting each others breath
amplifying each others breath
Cairo Clarke, London, December 2020